The worst week...

I wonder if there is something fundamentally wrong with my personality, other than the obvious borderline diagnosis.

I seem to have antagonised three out of five of my colleagues now, so I feel really alone. I'm beginning to feel that familiar ache that I experienced a few years ago at a previous job just before one of my breakdowns.

I'm hoping it's just one of those weeks.

P came home drunk yesterday, which I find very difficult to cope with because his entire personality changes beyond recognition. He isn't violent, but he's aggressive with his tone, he's paranoid, he's accusative, he's intimidating.

I don't recognise him when he's like this.

Each time it's the same pattern. He's always ashamed and apologetic the next day and feels remorse..and then a few weeks later he does it again.

It's not like he is addicted to drink, nor does he do it a lot, just every so often when he's drunk too much, he just changes to someone else entirely. I don't like it.

Last night was particularly bad because we argued and he said some things that were quite hurtful. I don't think it was a good idea to talk to someone when they are drunk, but I did. It also wasn't the best idea to tell him he has an alcohol problem, too.

I'm not sure where to go from here, really. I feel so awful today. I didn't eat last night and I didn't take my pills.

It's my operation tomorrow too.

Yesterday, a colleague and I argued about a freelance commission I've recently got.
He felt it was a conflict of interests and was very angry. I didn't get the chance to defend myself.

Today, he sent me a threatening email saying if I didn't tell Ian he would.
I burst into tears and had a panic attack. No one did anything. They say, but looked the other way and then all went off to lunch.

I've never felt so awful and so alone. I just sat there crying and shaking and then went to the toilets to cry in private.

When I got back a colleague from another department came over to see if I was OK (bless her) and I burst into tears. We went to have a cup of tea and a chat and I felt calmer.

Also, yesterday, my optician was concerned about the pressure on my eyes and think there may be a risk of nerve damage which would mean loss of sight. So I'm going to have to get referred there at some point.

So far, the past few days have been awful.
Today has been horrendous. If I was at home, not only would I have self harmed but I would have taken an overdose.

Ironic that today is National Self Harm Awareness Day.