The worst is the following morning. It feels like the worst hang over ever. It doesn't feel like I've had any sleep, despite having had more than seven/eight hours. Especially as I take my meds at half 7 and drop off about half 9, 10. It feels unbearable. Then it gradually wears off (with a lot of prodding from my wonderful, supportive partner!). But it takes a while and in the meantime it feels really strong and horrible. I hope it wears off before I'm ready to go back to work.
Work. The longer it is until I can go back to work (had surgery last week on my face and been off since) the harder it will be. I feel I really struggle socially. I'm actually finding it really difficult.
I'm so tired of the slightest thing setting me off on a downward spiral. I was feeling emotionally stable earlier, but an email from a colleague who sounded irrationally annoyed has set me off so I'm unable to work and feel really demotivated. Anxiety levels are really high at the moment.
I feel ugly, nasty, dirty, annoying, boring, irrational, psychotic.
I don't know how the hell Paul can love me in the way that he does. I know he does love me, he does so much for me, too much, some would say, so I don't have any doubt over that. I just cannot understand how he can possibly love me.
I wrote a really anxious email to my work manager, updating her on my current situation (as I'm working from home due to soreness/bruising from the operation) and I forced myself to mention Olanzapine (not by name). I mentioned the severe side effects. That was over 24 hours ago. I really, really needed reassurance that a) work were OK with me working from home (I'd already checked it with them but I needed further reassurance that it continued to be OK. b) it was OK to continue in this way for the short-term while my body adjusted to the new medication. She did text me yesterday evening to apologise she hasn't had time to reply but will do so on her way back and she didn't. I'm not angry at her, she's been so supportive and great, and she has a new family to look after. I don't feel any anger, just intense anxiety.
I'm just insanely anxious whilst waiting for a response. It was hard for me to write and send off and now I feel I cannot breathe again until she replies. And when I get an email from her, I'll feel sick and dizzy when I see it's from her. And then, I'll analyse every word and convince myself she means something different from what she says and feel worse (is that even possible?).
In fact, each time I get an email from any colleague I feel sick because I'm convinced it will contain a criticism or tell me off about something. I've always felt like this, ever since I was 17, actually. I remember starting to experience the same sick feeling on receiving an email from a certain (now irrelevant) someone. I thought, as you would, the sick feeling/anxiety would go, but nine+years on, it hasn't.
I don't know what is worse to deal with: my anxiety, my depression, my guilt, my paranoia, my self-hatred or my intense social anxiety. When they are all present at once, it feels so overwhelming.
Other colleague who was annoyed hasn't telephoned back, although I left a message on their answerphone as requested. Now I don't know what to do and can't focus on my work. Jesus I feel ill. :'(
Really can't believe my DBT has been put off for another six months. I don't believe I've felt worse since the official diagnosis six odd months ago, but either way, I certainly notice them more, which case makes it harder because I'm noticing them, without having the necessary 'tools' to deal with them.
OK, not strictly true. I have a lot of tools to deal with them. Tools I've learnt from previous therapists (CBT, for instance) and various self-help books. But nevertheless, it feels like I'm wading through thick swamps in utter darkness. Don't mean to sound dramatic, that analogy just popped into my head and it fits.
I can't even eat lunch because a) I'm so anxious now I feel really sick and b) Colleague may ring and I'll have to switch off the hob or else forget and the soup will burn.
I know I'm blowing this all out of proportion (so my rational self tells me) but in others, I feel engulfed in anxiety.
Better leave it there and try and focus on work again before I then feel an added emotion - guilt, for not working hard enough.
Update: He just telephoned and sorted the problem using a cool program tool which gave him access to my laptop screens (!) and solved it. I never knew you could do that. Was funny watching the mouse go about the screen clicking on folders and stuff, haha!! Amazing. I got ultra paranoid though that I hadn't clicked off this screen and he'd see this very intense and personal blog. And then when he went in my folders I was terrified he'd come across my porn collection, or even worse, pics of me naked, ohmygod!! But thank god he didn't!! And I now have remote access to the shared and 'h' drives at work, WOO!
Off to make some soup now and re-gain my work focus. Feel a lot better anxiety-wise :)
