No substance

I need to update this a lot more. Venting like this does actually help, even if it's just to rant to no one about my irrationals feelings and thoughts. What interesting reading it will make in years to come...heh.

Rather than updating (for my own clarification) what's been happening since November, I'll just continue in this vein. Too much to go over and don't want to bring up the past all over again.

Therapy, which should have been starting in May, won't start for at least another 6 months now. I really am in need of seeing a professional therapist. I know my reactions aren't normal, and it frightens me how quickly my world appears black in seconds simply by taking notice of one thought that led on from a perfectly neutral one.

I wish I didn't crave reassurance to the levels that I do. It's the only thing that seems to stop thoughts spiralling out of control. I'm aware that everyone needs reassurance up to a point, but I feel I rely on it too much. It would be OK if self-reassurance did the trick. But it doesn't.

Odd. I logged onto this blog to vent how intensely I was feeling (hurt feelings, guilt, self-hatred, fear, rejection) etc. etc but since writing they've dispersed. Not completely, but they don't feel as intense. In which case I am suddenly at a loss for words. At least I've made the break and updated for the first time in five months. So hopefully next time I need to write, it will be a bit easier.

Will leave it there for now, not that this blog said anything of substance.