Rationale

I'm not quite sure what to do. On the surface, it appears that I have 'returned' to my normal, bubbly self. Inside, the opposite is true. I was awake most of last night with recurring thoughts and plans of suicide. This pattern has been increasing in the past two weeks and I feel that the time for action is getting nearer. The thing is, I don't see any alternative to what I'm planning to do. It simply has to be done. My anxiety for the consequences of this action has reached an all time high and I've been having stomach trouble for days as a result. I keep telling myself that I don't have to do this, it doesn't have to be done at all. There are ways round things, there is always hope. But I cannot see it.

To me, the events of this coming week will dictate my actions. It is literally a life or death situation. I doubt anyone will ever understand the rationale behind this, because, to anyone else, the reasoning sounds inherently disturbed. But the thing is,

I do not like myself. I will never make a success of my life. I am a failure. I am a waste of space. No one wants to employ me, my qualifications, my education has been an utter waste. There is nothing I am good at. I look around at people around me, my sister, Paul, my friends, my family.... they are all successful. They have made something of their lives. They have established their careers, they are successful. I am not any of these things, nor will be. This is why I must do this. It is too humiliating to live like a nobody any longer. Anyone who places such importance and pride in their work and their job will understand this: they are something, they are successful. They have made something of their lives. I never will.

There is no one I can talk to about this. I cannot possibly talk to my closest friends. They'd do anything to stop me doing what I am planning, and they would worry. I don't want that. There is no point in telling them. I just have to do it, when the moment is right. If there ever is such a time.

I don't think as it stands I have enough tablets. I need to buy some during the week. One packet per shop, that will work. And alcohol from another. I am terrified, but I feel there is no alternative. No alternative that is, if events this week turn out to confirm my fears. So I must wait and see.

This decision I have made also confirms that I am a bad person. Evil, selfish, bad. Because I know my actions will hurt a lot of people, those who love me. But I just cannot bear to live like this anymore. I think I am inherently disturbed. If so, I am doing everyone a favour.