It's been a while

I originally intended to update regularly, especially when the Oscar Hill DBT therapy had started. I wanted to chart my progress and talk about the skills and what I had learnt. Life clearly got in the way. Happily, this is a good thing. It got in the way because after a horrendous last few months at my last job which ended in redundancy I'm now a reporter for a disability magazine and earning really excellent wages. It's odd how things turn out.

I still can't believe I'm here, literally and figuratively speaking.

So here I am, in 2011 with an amazing job that is ten minutes away from where I live, a loving partner and a beautiful feline to boot. (She does like boots, actually).

Yet despite all this, and despite how grateful I am for all of this, (and not a day goes by when I don't think how lucky I am to be in this wonderful situation), despite all of this, my borderline disorder is still very much a problem. Of course it is, it's not like it suddenly disappears. That's why I'm in therapy, after all.

It seems to get worse at work and when I'm with my immediate family. I already have a few DBT skills that I'm using when I feel bad. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. It's just the way of it I suppose.

I also have comforting things at work with me, to remind me to use the skills. Like the egg timer I bought in Romania, to use it when I'm feeling especially paranoid. When the sand has run out, the intention is (in my ever so obsessive head) that I am no longer allow to dwell on the bad feeling. So it puts a time limit on how long I'm allowed to dwell on bad feelings. A minute, I think. *mental note* time it digitally!

I also have my little fairy Tiddler that Clare Elizabeth got me for Christmas 2010. She sits on my desk (the fairy, not the friend), and her smile works in the same way as statues of the laughing buddha - reminds me to smile more.

I have my Romanian fruit tea with me, which brings back memories of the wonderful holiday in Romania with Paul shortly before I was made redundant, and I have my dog-eared post-it notes with DBT skills written on them, to remind me to use them.

Practice, practice, practice. (Or is it practice with an 's'? I never know.)

I'm also hoping this blog will help. If I'm able to write in it (like now) when I'm feeling particularly borderline it may help channel bad thoughts into something reflective and therefore dilute them. I feel a bit guilty blogging during the day, but I think it will actually make me more productive in the long run, because it will dilute the bad feelings quicker, therefore enabling me to focus on my day all the quicker. That's the idea, anyway.

I can feel my paranoia easing already.