I'm feeling very jittery at the moment. We just had a meeting at work that I've been psyching up to for weeks and weeks. There has been lots of turmoil in my own job due to threats about the future of the magazine and no one really knows anything.

So today was the meeting with the CEO who was very frank and open with us, and came across as a very decent guy.

I've been trying to keep calm over the last few weeks about recent developments but some days it gets on top of me.

At my one-to-one therapy session today we discussed my constant worrying and anxiety, which I have moreorless constantly, in varying degrees. We spoke about the pros and cons of worry thoughts, and the pros and cons of not having them. Oddly, I found it quite useful.

We discussed some techniques I could use, as well, like:

The bus analogy

Thoughts are always going to be there, it's impossible to try and get rid of them. But like passengers trying to talk to the bus driver to distract him, you can't take any notice of them, or if you take your eye off the road you'll crash into a tree. So one way is trying to think about the analogy of the bus driver and to try and let the worry thoughts go.

Mindfulness worry thoughts

Another way is to think about the thought that caused the worry, and to notice the thought. E.g. 'I am feeling anxious about the outcome of the meeting. I am scared that I'll say the wrong thing' etc, etc. Apparently, by noticing your thoughts and saying it to yourself, creates a healthy distance.

Ask myself a question

If I'm worried about something specifically, ask myself 'can I control the outcome?' If the answer is 'yes', I need to think about how I can go about doing that. If the answer is 'no' I should try and let go of the thought using either the river bank analogy (below) or by using the mindfulness technique as above.

River bank analogy

Imagine a river bank. It can be somewhere I know well, or somewhere in my imagination. Some leaves are floating down the river. A thought is attached to each of the leaves. Watch the leaf float gently down stream and away.

A variation of this could be imagining the thoughts in the sand and being washed away by the sea, or as a cloud in the sky drifting away.

I asked a question at the very end of the question which didn't go down too well as far as my boss is concerned. I am now a little worried that I made him angry and felt very tearful walking out of the meeting. Also, a colleague was whispering to another colleague about her concerns and when I asked her what was worrying her she dismissed it which humiliated me.

I have a raw nerve anyway when it comes to rejection and being dismissed and blocked from conversations and social interactions because of the 7+ years at school that it happened to me all the time.

Luckily, I have one lovely colleague who is very reassuring and gave me some good news. It looks like that I may be able to help out with the website too, to share responsibilities with this colleague. It brought me so much joy and relief that my jittery feelings almost went.

My high emotions seems to have reduced significantly now, since I started blogging just now so I'll leave it there and get on with my work until the end of the day.