Feeling bad

So it was meant to be our editorial meeting today at 10. I was getting so worked up about because one colleague has left so it makes it more intense for the remaining two - pitching against each other.

One colleague is particularly difficult and makes no secret of the fact he doesn't like me. I find it very hard to cope with him because he has a negative comment at anything I say. In editorial meetings and out of. Every time. It really gets me down.

I wonder if he's a tad chauvanistic and doesn't believe that a woman can be a reporter. So he's already developed a prejudice of my abilities.

So after all this stress, the meeting was cancelled today (only found out a few minutes ago when I asked), and I've been sitting here feeling freaked out and upset.

I've been in a lot of cyst pain for ages because of the stress but I can't talk to anyone at work because they already see me as intense and feel uncomfortable around me.

Ridiculous - it's a disability organisation, you'd think if I was going to fit in anywhere, it would be here.

I've also just heard two colleagues talking about the future (or lack of) the publication and have agreed to stick together and will be able to move to another magazine.

It's really set me off because I feel even more isolated and alone, and totally, utterly excluded.
I can't speak to anyone about it here because I can't let on that I heard them (it will only prove to them that they can't talk about anything in front of me). But it's making me so wound up and depressed and very triggered.

I'm not sure what skills to use, if any.

I could 'self soothe' and buy myself something from the canteen - a hot chocolate or something.
I can use DEARMAN skills, and perhaps talk to Wendy (I've already asked her to lunch at some point this week but suspect she'll say no).

I could tell myself to worry later (at 7) and try and push these worries and paranoia out of my mind.

I mean, at the moment, nothing has changed. Disability Now is still here. I still have a job. The only thing that's changed is hearing what other colleagues are planning.

I'm going to get a drink, and take some deep breaths and then get a chocolate for comfort food.

If I can get through this day and still work, it will be something I've achieved.

I can do this.