The worst week...

I wonder if there is something fundamentally wrong with my personality, other than the obvious borderline diagnosis.

I seem to have antagonised three out of five of my colleagues now, so I feel really alone. I'm beginning to feel that familiar ache that I experienced a few years ago at a previous job just before one of my breakdowns.

I'm hoping it's just one of those weeks.

P came home drunk yesterday, which I find very difficult to cope with because his entire personality changes beyond recognition. He isn't violent, but he's aggressive with his tone, he's paranoid, he's accusative, he's intimidating.

I don't recognise him when he's like this.

Each time it's the same pattern. He's always ashamed and apologetic the next day and feels remorse..and then a few weeks later he does it again.

It's not like he is addicted to drink, nor does he do it a lot, just every so often when he's drunk too much, he just changes to someone else entirely. I don't like it.

Last night was particularly bad because we argued and he said some things that were quite hurtful. I don't think it was a good idea to talk to someone when they are drunk, but I did. It also wasn't the best idea to tell him he has an alcohol problem, too.

I'm not sure where to go from here, really. I feel so awful today. I didn't eat last night and I didn't take my pills.

It's my operation tomorrow too.

Yesterday, a colleague and I argued about a freelance commission I've recently got.
He felt it was a conflict of interests and was very angry. I didn't get the chance to defend myself.

Today, he sent me a threatening email saying if I didn't tell Ian he would.
I burst into tears and had a panic attack. No one did anything. They say, but looked the other way and then all went off to lunch.

I've never felt so awful and so alone. I just sat there crying and shaking and then went to the toilets to cry in private.

When I got back a colleague from another department came over to see if I was OK (bless her) and I burst into tears. We went to have a cup of tea and a chat and I felt calmer.

Also, yesterday, my optician was concerned about the pressure on my eyes and think there may be a risk of nerve damage which would mean loss of sight. So I'm going to have to get referred there at some point.

So far, the past few days have been awful.
Today has been horrendous. If I was at home, not only would I have self harmed but I would have taken an overdose.

Ironic that today is National Self Harm Awareness Day.

Feeling bad

So it was meant to be our editorial meeting today at 10. I was getting so worked up about because one colleague has left so it makes it more intense for the remaining two - pitching against each other.

One colleague is particularly difficult and makes no secret of the fact he doesn't like me. I find it very hard to cope with him because he has a negative comment at anything I say. In editorial meetings and out of. Every time. It really gets me down.

I wonder if he's a tad chauvanistic and doesn't believe that a woman can be a reporter. So he's already developed a prejudice of my abilities.

So after all this stress, the meeting was cancelled today (only found out a few minutes ago when I asked), and I've been sitting here feeling freaked out and upset.

I've been in a lot of cyst pain for ages because of the stress but I can't talk to anyone at work because they already see me as intense and feel uncomfortable around me.

Ridiculous - it's a disability organisation, you'd think if I was going to fit in anywhere, it would be here.

I've also just heard two colleagues talking about the future (or lack of) the publication and have agreed to stick together and will be able to move to another magazine.

It's really set me off because I feel even more isolated and alone, and totally, utterly excluded.
I can't speak to anyone about it here because I can't let on that I heard them (it will only prove to them that they can't talk about anything in front of me). But it's making me so wound up and depressed and very triggered.

I'm not sure what skills to use, if any.

I could 'self soothe' and buy myself something from the canteen - a hot chocolate or something.
I can use DEARMAN skills, and perhaps talk to Wendy (I've already asked her to lunch at some point this week but suspect she'll say no).

I could tell myself to worry later (at 7) and try and push these worries and paranoia out of my mind.

I mean, at the moment, nothing has changed. Disability Now is still here. I still have a job. The only thing that's changed is hearing what other colleagues are planning.

I'm going to get a drink, and take some deep breaths and then get a chocolate for comfort food.

If I can get through this day and still work, it will be something I've achieved.

I can do this.

DBT in practice

For my DBT homework this week, set by my DBT Skills class tutor, I have to practice the DEARMAN skill on someone. DEARMAN stands for...

Describe

Express

Assert

Reinforce

Mindful of objectives

Appear Confident

Negotiate

I have no idea if I can do it or not. So far, there hasn't been any instances when I can use it. There are two big situations where I need to use it at work but I don't feel I am able to - I feel to freaked out and intimidated. I don't want to go to class next week and be the only one who says 'I wasn't able to do it' but I don't know what else to do.

I'm also feeling highly anxious at the moment. It may be to do with worries about the future of where I'm working, and general anxiety.

I'm trying one of the techniques my one-to-one therapist taught me - the 'I'll worry about it later' technique. And then I'll try and label the worry thought and let it go.

My worry thought is that I'm not a valid member of the team, and Ian doesn't think my writing is any good. Actually, I know my writing is good. And he invited me to take this role in the first place.

I'm going to worry about DN's future during my worry hour at 7-8 tonight.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep taking deep breaths and mindfully drink my Romanian fruit tea and have calming thoughts.

I have nothing to worry about in this moment. I'll have a nice bath when I get home, have a cuddle with Mili and when get Paul gets in we can have a nice evening together and I can finish off my website and work on my other freelance commission for Kay.

I'm going to be OK. There is nothing wrong with this moment. This moment, all is calm.

I'm feeling very jittery at the moment. We just had a meeting at work that I've been psyching up to for weeks and weeks. There has been lots of turmoil in my own job due to threats about the future of the magazine and no one really knows anything.

So today was the meeting with the CEO who was very frank and open with us, and came across as a very decent guy.

I've been trying to keep calm over the last few weeks about recent developments but some days it gets on top of me.

At my one-to-one therapy session today we discussed my constant worrying and anxiety, which I have moreorless constantly, in varying degrees. We spoke about the pros and cons of worry thoughts, and the pros and cons of not having them. Oddly, I found it quite useful.

We discussed some techniques I could use, as well, like:

The bus analogy

Thoughts are always going to be there, it's impossible to try and get rid of them. But like passengers trying to talk to the bus driver to distract him, you can't take any notice of them, or if you take your eye off the road you'll crash into a tree. So one way is trying to think about the analogy of the bus driver and to try and let the worry thoughts go.

Mindfulness worry thoughts

Another way is to think about the thought that caused the worry, and to notice the thought. E.g. 'I am feeling anxious about the outcome of the meeting. I am scared that I'll say the wrong thing' etc, etc. Apparently, by noticing your thoughts and saying it to yourself, creates a healthy distance.

Ask myself a question

If I'm worried about something specifically, ask myself 'can I control the outcome?' If the answer is 'yes', I need to think about how I can go about doing that. If the answer is 'no' I should try and let go of the thought using either the river bank analogy (below) or by using the mindfulness technique as above.

River bank analogy

Imagine a river bank. It can be somewhere I know well, or somewhere in my imagination. Some leaves are floating down the river. A thought is attached to each of the leaves. Watch the leaf float gently down stream and away.

A variation of this could be imagining the thoughts in the sand and being washed away by the sea, or as a cloud in the sky drifting away.

I asked a question at the very end of the question which didn't go down too well as far as my boss is concerned. I am now a little worried that I made him angry and felt very tearful walking out of the meeting. Also, a colleague was whispering to another colleague about her concerns and when I asked her what was worrying her she dismissed it which humiliated me.

I have a raw nerve anyway when it comes to rejection and being dismissed and blocked from conversations and social interactions because of the 7+ years at school that it happened to me all the time.

Luckily, I have one lovely colleague who is very reassuring and gave me some good news. It looks like that I may be able to help out with the website too, to share responsibilities with this colleague. It brought me so much joy and relief that my jittery feelings almost went.

My high emotions seems to have reduced significantly now, since I started blogging just now so I'll leave it there and get on with my work until the end of the day.

It's been a while

I originally intended to update regularly, especially when the Oscar Hill DBT therapy had started. I wanted to chart my progress and talk about the skills and what I had learnt. Life clearly got in the way. Happily, this is a good thing. It got in the way because after a horrendous last few months at my last job which ended in redundancy I'm now a reporter for a disability magazine and earning really excellent wages. It's odd how things turn out.

I still can't believe I'm here, literally and figuratively speaking.

So here I am, in 2011 with an amazing job that is ten minutes away from where I live, a loving partner and a beautiful feline to boot. (She does like boots, actually).

Yet despite all this, and despite how grateful I am for all of this, (and not a day goes by when I don't think how lucky I am to be in this wonderful situation), despite all of this, my borderline disorder is still very much a problem. Of course it is, it's not like it suddenly disappears. That's why I'm in therapy, after all.

It seems to get worse at work and when I'm with my immediate family. I already have a few DBT skills that I'm using when I feel bad. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. It's just the way of it I suppose.

I also have comforting things at work with me, to remind me to use the skills. Like the egg timer I bought in Romania, to use it when I'm feeling especially paranoid. When the sand has run out, the intention is (in my ever so obsessive head) that I am no longer allow to dwell on the bad feeling. So it puts a time limit on how long I'm allowed to dwell on bad feelings. A minute, I think. *mental note* time it digitally!

I also have my little fairy Tiddler that Clare Elizabeth got me for Christmas 2010. She sits on my desk (the fairy, not the friend), and her smile works in the same way as statues of the laughing buddha - reminds me to smile more.

I have my Romanian fruit tea with me, which brings back memories of the wonderful holiday in Romania with Paul shortly before I was made redundant, and I have my dog-eared post-it notes with DBT skills written on them, to remind me to use them.

Practice, practice, practice. (Or is it practice with an 's'? I never know.)

I'm also hoping this blog will help. If I'm able to write in it (like now) when I'm feeling particularly borderline it may help channel bad thoughts into something reflective and therefore dilute them. I feel a bit guilty blogging during the day, but I think it will actually make me more productive in the long run, because it will dilute the bad feelings quicker, therefore enabling me to focus on my day all the quicker. That's the idea, anyway.

I can feel my paranoia easing already.

I've been on the Olanzapine since last Saturday night (24th April). I don't know how long it takes to work and I don't know if it will work. I'm only noticing the side effects so far. The worst is the sleeping. Two or so hours after I've taken a tablet (I'm on the lowest dose) I feel drowsy and lethargic. My limbs feel like lead and everything feels blurry. That's not so bad, but it will be difficult to cope with when I next am out for the night, assuming I will always feel like this even once my body has adjusted.

The worst is the following morning. It feels like the worst hang over ever. It doesn't feel like I've had any sleep, despite having had more than seven/eight hours. Especially as I take my meds at half 7 and drop off about half 9, 10. It feels unbearable. Then it gradually wears off (with a lot of prodding from my wonderful, supportive partner!). But it takes a while and in the meantime it feels really strong and horrible. I hope it wears off before I'm ready to go back to work.

Work. The longer it is until I can go back to work (had surgery last week on my face and been off since) the harder it will be. I feel I really struggle socially. I'm actually finding it really difficult.

I'm so tired of the slightest thing setting me off on a downward spiral. I was feeling emotionally stable earlier, but an email from a colleague who sounded irrationally annoyed has set me off so I'm unable to work and feel really demotivated. Anxiety levels are really high at the moment.

I feel ugly, nasty, dirty, annoying, boring, irrational, psychotic.

I don't know how the hell Paul can love me in the way that he does. I know he does love me, he does so much for me, too much, some would say, so I don't have any doubt over that. I just cannot understand how he can possibly love me.

I wrote a really anxious email to my work manager, updating her on my current situation (as I'm working from home due to soreness/bruising from the operation) and I forced myself to mention Olanzapine (not by name). I mentioned the severe side effects. That was over 24 hours ago. I really, really needed reassurance that a) work were OK with me working from home (I'd already checked it with them but I needed further reassurance that it continued to be OK. b) it was OK to continue in this way for the short-term while my body adjusted to the new medication. She did text me yesterday evening to apologise she hasn't had time to reply but will do so on her way back and she didn't. I'm not angry at her, she's been so supportive and great, and she has a new family to look after. I don't feel any anger, just intense anxiety.

I'm just insanely anxious whilst waiting for a response. It was hard for me to write and send off and now I feel I cannot breathe again until she replies. And when I get an email from her, I'll feel sick and dizzy when I see it's from her. And then, I'll analyse every word and convince myself she means something different from what she says and feel worse (is that even possible?).

In fact, each time I get an email from any colleague I feel sick because I'm convinced it will contain a criticism or tell me off about something. I've always felt like this, ever since I was 17, actually. I remember starting to experience the same sick feeling on receiving an email from a certain (now irrelevant) someone. I thought, as you would, the sick feeling/anxiety would go, but nine+years on, it hasn't.

I don't know what is worse to deal with: my anxiety, my depression, my guilt, my paranoia, my self-hatred or my intense social anxiety. When they are all present at once, it feels so overwhelming.

Other colleague who was annoyed hasn't telephoned back, although I left a message on their answerphone as requested. Now I don't know what to do and can't focus on my work. Jesus I feel ill. :'(

Really can't believe my DBT has been put off for another six months. I don't believe I've felt worse since the official diagnosis six odd months ago, but either way, I certainly notice them more, which case makes it harder because I'm noticing them, without having the necessary 'tools' to deal with them.

OK, not strictly true. I have a lot of tools to deal with them. Tools I've learnt from previous therapists (CBT, for instance) and various self-help books. But nevertheless, it feels like I'm wading through thick swamps in utter darkness. Don't mean to sound dramatic, that analogy just popped into my head and it fits.

I can't even eat lunch because a) I'm so anxious now I feel really sick and b) Colleague may ring and I'll have to switch off the hob or else forget and the soup will burn.

I know I'm blowing this all out of proportion (so my rational self tells me) but in others, I feel engulfed in anxiety.

Better leave it there and try and focus on work again before I then feel an added emotion - guilt, for not working hard enough.

Update: He just telephoned and sorted the problem using a cool program tool which gave him access to my laptop screens (!) and solved it. I never knew you could do that. Was funny watching the mouse go about the screen clicking on folders and stuff, haha!! Amazing. I got ultra paranoid though that I hadn't clicked off this screen and he'd see this very intense and personal blog. And then when he went in my folders I was terrified he'd come across my porn collection, or even worse, pics of me naked, ohmygod!! But thank god he didn't!! And I now have remote access to the shared and 'h' drives at work, WOO!

Off to make some soup now and re-gain my work focus. Feel a lot better anxiety-wise :)

No substance

I need to update this a lot more. Venting like this does actually help, even if it's just to rant to no one about my irrationals feelings and thoughts. What interesting reading it will make in years to come...heh.

Rather than updating (for my own clarification) what's been happening since November, I'll just continue in this vein. Too much to go over and don't want to bring up the past all over again.

Therapy, which should have been starting in May, won't start for at least another 6 months now. I really am in need of seeing a professional therapist. I know my reactions aren't normal, and it frightens me how quickly my world appears black in seconds simply by taking notice of one thought that led on from a perfectly neutral one.

I wish I didn't crave reassurance to the levels that I do. It's the only thing that seems to stop thoughts spiralling out of control. I'm aware that everyone needs reassurance up to a point, but I feel I rely on it too much. It would be OK if self-reassurance did the trick. But it doesn't.

Odd. I logged onto this blog to vent how intensely I was feeling (hurt feelings, guilt, self-hatred, fear, rejection) etc. etc but since writing they've dispersed. Not completely, but they don't feel as intense. In which case I am suddenly at a loss for words. At least I've made the break and updated for the first time in five months. So hopefully next time I need to write, it will be a bit easier.

Will leave it there for now, not that this blog said anything of substance.